Don Daffy’s Life’s Ain’t An Easy Bitch May 29, 2007
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Zeal Unfocussd Publishing has bagged the rights to publish the legendary Underworld Don and Gangster Daffy’s autobiography Life’s Ain’t An Easy Bitch.
The dangerous don of the underworld had a few months back announced to make public his notorious life as the Gangster of all dogs. He was immediately flooded by offers from hundreds of ace publishers across the world including from countries that want don for various heinous crimes he committed.
The Don decided it was time the world learnt from his criminal exploits that included grand larceny, extortion, multitude of rapes and murders, art thefts, drugs and bones trafficking and several other crimes. He also also decided to reveal his mystic past that had been a question of debate in the scholastic circles.
Though born an AKC recognized labrador in a highly pedigreed family, don had given up domestic life and declared himself a street mongrel and took to a life of petty crime at a very young age. And from there, through sheer doggedness and canine cunning he climbed the ladder of crime and sank into the underworld. Last year he topped the underworld chart beating even Osama Bin Laden, Dawood Ibrahim and other notorious gangsters and terrorists. He is currently wanted by 32 countries and has a prize money of 3 Billion Dollars on his head.
Don who is famous for his witty one-liners like ‘If its a bitch, its mine!’, ‘A son of a bitch ain’t a bastard by default!’, ‘My tail don’t wag for nobody!’, etc is currently looking for a human freelance writer because the law of Camidian Government does not allow dogs to author books even if they are autobiographies.
The book is expected to be finished by next fall and be out in the stands by April 2008. Being a dog, Don said the book would also be tranlated into audio book of barks for the sake of his canine clan.
It is rumored that certain Hollywood Studios have shown interest in purchasing the filming rights for the book.
Browser’s Carpal Syndrome May 27, 2007
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Feeling depressed after an hour of browsing the internet? Is the wrist of your right hand paining every time you get up from your computer? Beware; you might be suffering from Browser’s Carpal Syndrome.
Researchers and psychiatrists at Zeal Unfocusd Inc. have discovered this startling and manic depressive and personality syndrome that many internet surfers suffer from. The syndrome is triggered by excessive clicking of the mouse on the left side navigation menu using the right hand.
Scientific Reasons
As a Browser, you may find it most comfortable to find the navigation menu of any webpage on the left hand side and most of the browsers are right handed. But this is the most detestable thing for your brain because it creates an oculo-motor conflict in the Central Carpal of the Cerebellum. When the eye is looking to the left, the neuro-transmitters produce oxitocin, a hormone that activates the left side of the body. But when you are using right hand to click on the left visible image in your brain, the oxytocin is in conflict with neurotocin, the right side enabling motor hormone. And the resulting conflict puts the central carpal under stress and the carpal goes into temporary hibernation. Since carpal is a depression creating part of the brain, it naturally numbs the activity of brain to protect it from the onslaught conflict.
Result
As a result, when we are happily clicking away on the outside, we are growing number and depressive by the moment on the inside and we have triggered the Browser’s Carpal Syndrome.
Symptoms
The symptoms of the syndrome include depression (ranging from very mild to manic), nausea, numbness, sleepiness or sleeplessness, body pains especially the knees and right wrist, a sensation of numbness in the neck, weightlessness. Severe cases include vomiting, indigestion and manic depression that could lead to suicidal thoughts and actions.
Doctors say the only way to prevent the syndrome is to avoid browsing sites with left menu or if you are a left hander then avoid right menu web pages.a
So next time you see a left menu website, you better think twice before clicking!
Note: All of the above is humbug, rattails, mudgulley, claptrap and scientific horse puckey. So you cannot sue me! Ha ha ha!
Reply from a Bounty Hunter May 26, 2007
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Helo Sar,
I yam surching for gud jab in any arganisashun. Lukkilee, you sended me this great meil. Though i am not failed in any exam bekos unforchunately i did not atten exams, i have great kwalificashun. I can hit people on thier heds and fall down and acting dead. they think i dead and scrach their hed. i will again get up and hitted them and acting dead again and again until they are deaded relly. that is my sooper teknik.
i am wonderful disgiser also. i can pretend to bee anybody including an email virus. i can also act like poshh teeenagur by wRitiNg liKe tHiS aGaIN ANd AgAin. I also hide my handwriting by typing insted of writing. haha (that ees my laugh).
Ass for kaching the terrible terrarist, i alredy have his photographs that i reseeved from my secret konsultant. heer is my idya how to kill the terrarist.
i will zoom intoo the terrarist eye in photo till i get the reflecshun of the photographur. then i will zoom into the eye of that photographur till i see reflekshun of the terrarist again. i will do that again und again until i know both the terrarist and photgraphur by heart. then i will katch and captur the photographur and torchur him with my philosaphy of aunty-terrarism (i yam a freelans philasapher, you see). then the poor photographur will tell the cave wher the terrarist is hiddun. which mite be in mountain caves of pacific ocean where he is said to be building castles in air.
i will then sit at the entrans af the cave and smoke thousand water-proof cigarettes. that will unsmoke the terrible terrarist out. but af kors i will not surrendar the terrarist to you, bekas you see i yam not a fool. i know you will give terrarist to governament and they will give you money. so i will disguis like you and go to governament of divided warld and get the mony for myself.
sins i yam going to cheet you, please reply me how the strategy is and then read the following lines.
concentrate on this exclamashun mark
!
now reed the below lines without lifting your eyes fram the exclamashun mark
i never red this eemail
i don’t no who i yam
i don’t no internet
i am dyin
i am dyin
i am ded
no you can remove your eyes from the exclamashum mark becos you are alreddy dead.
muhaahahahaaaa
lang live myself
yours sinsherelee
www.greekbroccoli.com
(kurrently i am disguised as a website)
Wanted Bounty Hunters to catch a Terrible Terrorist May 25, 2007
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Hi,
We are a premiere recruitment agency for several nations, classified individuals and businessmen.
We came across your profile in one of the job portals and would like to inform you we are recruiting Bounty Hunters for a reputed and of course classified nation.
Desired Profile:
2nd/3rd class or failed graduates
knowledge of any martial art (preference will be given to those who invent their own martial arts)
should be able to recognize people with the help of photos
should be willing to travel freaking long distances
Attached you will find photos of one wanted terrorist. He was last seen loitering in mountain caves under Pacific Ocean.
Interested candidates are requested to reply to this mail along with a detailed strategy on how to capture this criminal. 1st class graduates and post graduates will be considered if they can give a good strategy.
Regards
Mysterious Manager
Secret Consultancy
Undisclosed location
Classified phone number
Confidential email
Unitenna v0.3 May 24, 2007
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Get all the TV channels in the world and Hi-speed internet free for a lifetime! Unbelievable, but true. Zeal Unfocussd Inc. has released yet another life-enriching product for the world. UNITENNA v0.3, meaning universal antenna version 0.3, would make life very economical for you.
This powerful antenna can capture any television transmission and ultra speed internet. This is made possible by the breakthrough innovation in technology by Zeal Unfocussd Inc. The mother of all antennas, Unitenna v0.3 is made of a very special combination of alloys; it comes with a special fukkem plated assui-sodomee rods that can attract waves of all lenghts from sources as far as the satellites orbiting in space!
Priced at a throwaway rate of 3$ and 13 cents per Unitenna, the installation is also extremely simple. All you have to do is place the antenna over your computer or television monitor and face the fukkem plated rods towards east. And simply sit back and enjoy high-speed internet and all the world channels including those 24/7 high quality porn channels absolutely free!
Byte Logistica 2.4beta April 26, 2007
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Zeal Unfocusd Inc has now entered the area of web logistics with its latest release of website-to-website transportation service.
Byte Logistica 2.4beta will change the way you navigate on the web. No more stressful journeys from one website to another. With the Byte Logistica 2.4beta your navigation has become smooth and extremely comfortable. A small installation file is all that you need to buy from Zeal Unfocusd Inc. Whenever you are leaving any website and opening another site all you have to do is press cntrl+alt+abc and presto Byte Logistca’s newest vehicle will pick you up and drop you at the website you want. Since the vehicle is digital, it does not consume any fuel; just a few bytes of your hard disk.
Byte Logistica 2.4beta also caters to your digital shifting purposes. If you are bored with your old website and want to shift all your content to a new location on a new server, well, you know the magic key combination – cntrl+alt+abc and lo, the best transportation for your shifting needs is on your desktop. The inbuilt program will pack the contents of your website and cleanly unpack it at your new server. It doesn’t forget even one css file. Every byte is transferred.
Byte Logistica is uses a powerful patented combination of matrix algorithms and complex integral algebra to make this digital wonder possible. So make sure you use its full potential!
Web Mocha 1.0e April 25, 2007
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Ever heard of Coffee being served on the websites! Sounds weird? But with the ground-breaking advances in JAVA by Zeal unFoCusd Inc, their latest web product release Web Mocha 1.0e will do exactly that.
You can now visit any of the websites that Zeal unFoCusd has tied up with and with a couple of clicks hot steaming coffee is served right there on the site. And you don’t even have to tip the server!
Zeal has already entered into strategic revenue sharing partnerships with the biggies in the web industry and most of your free mail providers have already installed widgets into their pages. And whats more, Zeal has offered an initial free registrations for bloggers and you can serve coffee to your visitors on your blog.
There have been certain stray reports of bugs in the beta version like coffee spilling on the trousers of laptop users and Zeal has already announced a cautionary warning to laptop users to avoid placing their machines on their laps after ordering coffee.
Zeal is currently negotiating to tie-up with major online money transfer services to offer cards to users so they could carry it along and have coffee at any time of the day and in any part of the world!
Zeal says it is planning to offer a small downloadable program in their second version that when installed would allow them to serve coffee direct to the desktop of the users. Let’s hope Web Mocha would soon let us have even pizzas and burgers on any website!
